10 Ways NOT To Look Atrocious
Ten most fattening things to wear
1. Shirt dresses - Shirt Dresses are probably the worst idea ever invented on the fact of this earth(I know this because I own one. Who ever thought that wearing a shirt dress would ‘accentuate your curves’! No. It’s hardly ever possible to wear one without a belt, which in turn creates that ugly bunch at the waist SUCH a bad idea. Whoever created the shirtdress must have been Kate Moss thin. Ugh.
2. Bright turtlenecks - Bright Turtlenecks are pretty. Yes. Vibrant in that they are best used as decorations for the ill-planned party you throw for the work-people you wish you didn’t work with and so don’t care about. This is an atrocity that shouldn’t have never gotten close to the dying machine. White, black, and gray are the only colors that turtle necks should be worn in. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).
3. Leather pants - Leather Pants?! It’s not the freakin’ eighties! Who the hell promoted leather pants? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!
4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As mentioned in the above paragraph, you are not Kate Moss thin. So dahling, wearing a thick belt that’s actually a girdle worn outside of the outfit it plain ridiculous. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.
5. Handbags as big as luggage: If you’re trying to work out without going to the gym, this is the way. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).
6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.
7. Round eyewear: Yes. Yes, they maybe be on sale at the local Macy’s, but even Gucci round eyewear isn’t going to be enough damage control for these shades!
8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. You will most likely topple over, break your ankle and have to walk around in a plaster for the next six weeks.
9. Tube tops and bustiers: Tube tops aren’t worn by anyone self-respecting. Bad, Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.
10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing New Body Shaper. Otherwise following Michael Jackson’s white coat-black jeans style isn’t gonna fly. Don’t even try to wear white pants which a bright colored turtle-neck. White shoes won’t get you any dates. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!
So guys. My latest tips on how ‘not to look fat’
Tags: BodySuit Shapewear, fashion, New Body Shaper, Slimming Apparel